The truth to be told, I am uncertain as to what week I'm on right now, but this I know - that if I were a more driven and dedicated person, then I should be running a 5K by now - or at least a whole mile. But, I am not. I am only a normal young adult with a small amount of motivation, but I think the important part is that I keep trying. And now as I think about it I realize that I could never be happy returning to my completely sedentry life. I like being active. Sure I wish I was more so. I wish I was one of those people who were born with a hyperactive metabolism and a passion for movement, but I wasn't, and now I am choosing to teach myself a love for it. In the words of a value campaign that I have come to respect:
Everytime I make a wise desicion, or get up and excercise or play sports with my family or go for a walk to think I am changing who I am, and sometimes it's not easy. Sometimes you wonder if maybe you should just stay the way you were. Perhaps you will never change so it is better to stay where you are. Change is scary.
But change is also good.
In the weeks just prior to finishing school for the year I began watching the ABC TV series Ugly Betty. So before I came home I bought the final three seasons and spent my first four days of my break watching them.
Was I completely happy with the way things ended?
No, not really.
I really wish they had tied off the loose ends better that would have given it a "happier" ending. I wish that Betty & Daniel would have kissed.
But all that is beside the point.
Ugly Betty actually taught me a lot about change and fear, about insecuirity and working beyond what you think you can do.
The TV show follows Betty who is considered "ugly" by the fashion industry in which she works. Slowly you see the shy, unconfident girl that she was change and transform. She steps into herself and begins to live up to her potential. She doesn't lose who she is, but she grows and transforms.
In one of the episodes of the final season Betty researches bug jewllery. In it she visits a designer with a love for bugs and especially butterflies. The designers has Betty watch a butterfly come out of the cacoon. During the conversation Betty is sad that the caterpillar is lost, and the designer reassures her that the caterpillar is not lost, it's still inside that butterfly - it's just that the butterfly has now become what it was supposed to be. At one point the designer states, "It's gotta be scary to change into a whole new thing."
This is where I feel I am now.
It's almost as though by actually following through with this and losing all the weight I intend to that I will become a whole new thing.
A whole new person.
And that scares me just a bit.
This new person can no longer use her weight as the excuse for why certain people don't like her, or as to why she doesn't have a boyfriend yet.
This new person will need to be disciplined and can no longer justify her bad choices with excuses.
This new person will be someone different then who I have been in the past.
But at the same time I can't keep being who I used to be.
Scared.
Unsure.
Doubtful
Excuse filled.
I'm already different, but I'm not quite fully transformed.
But - I'm headed that way.
In the words of a tweet I read the other day "Sometimes you have to step outside the person you have been" -@herewecollide
I hope I really do transform in the next few months because I am ready for something different.
For a different fight.
I'll keep you posted.
-Roxanne (@RoxyWiedemann or #2012fresh)
No comments:
Post a Comment